You You You!!!

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The following article appeared in The New York Times a few days ago (well, at least this is how I read it (for the original quotes, click the *)):

Budget Talks Near Collapse as G.O.P. Leader Quits
By CARL HULSE (then redacted by Matt Prager) / Published: June 23, 2011 by The New York Times

WASHINGTON — Congressional Republicans on Thursday abandoned budget talks aimed at clearing the way for a federal debt limit increase…  The breakdown was set off by the surprise decision of Representative Eric Cantor of Virginia… to quit the negotiations.

…Mr. Cantor insulted a few people then said in a statement. “There is not support in the House for a tax increase, and I don’t believe now is the time to raise taxes in light of our current economic situation. Regardless of the progress that has been made, I’m now going to say something demanding.” *

“As it stands, the Democrats continue to insist that any deal must include tax increases,” Mr. Cantor said in a statement. “There is not support in the House for a tax increase, and I don’t believe now is the time to raise taxes in light of our current economic situation. Regardless of the progress that has been made, the tax issue must be resolved before discussions can continue.”

Senator Jon Kyl of Arizona… and Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky made a joint statement in which they put words in someone else’s mouth, attempted to trap that person between two black and white choices that they had created, told that person how to behave, and then stated, “But we are now requiring that third party to meet our needs.”  *

“President Obama needs to decide between his goal of higher taxes, or a bipartisan plan to address our deficit,” Mr. McConnell and Mr. Kyl said in a joint statement. “He can’t have both. But we need to hear from him.”

…Senator Harry Reid, the Nevada Democrat and Senate majority leader, also said he expected that the talks would resume at a higher level, though he provided no timetable. Mr. Reid then spent some time blaming other people for the situation. *

“With what Kyl and Cantor’s done, I think it’s in the hands of the speaker and the president and, sadly, probably me,” he told reporters.

…Speaker John A. Boehner told reporters several insulting things about other people and then went on to attribute a negative intention to someone else’s behavior. *

“I know the frustration that he feels when Democrat members continue to want to bring tax hikes into this conversation, and insist that we’ve got to raise taxes on the American people,” Mr. Boehner told reporters.

(And that was about the worst of it through to the end)…

Back Up And Tell It Right

One trick we use in conflicts is to talk about others instead of ourselves. If you find yourself starting sentences with “You’re the one who!!!” and “You always!!” then you are on the road to inflaming conflict rather than resolving it.  It can be really difficult to only refer to yourself, your experiences, and your beliefs when having a disagreement with someone, but, in conflict, it often doesn’t matter what you’re saying but rather how you’re saying it.  As the redacted article above shows, removing the insults, accusations, and discussion of other people (or at least neutralizing those things) helps keep tempers cool, which is the first step to ensuring that differences get resolved.