Matt

Matt Damon Better Save That Hat For When He’s Running Out The Back Door

Back Up And Tell It Right, Film, The Adjustment Bureau 4 Responses »

Jul 142011

In the Bible-fi escapade THE ADJUSTMENT BUREAU, the biggest crime was not the one perpertrated by the filmmakers against story logic but, rather, the one enacted against romance itself.

The Setup

Elise, played by Emily Blunt, is a contempo wackerina whose idea of a fun midweek night out involves some casual wedding crashing, a quick stop to a nearby men’s room, and a bit of light boundary-crossing before fleeing the building while being chased by security. David, played by Matt Damon, feels an instant connection with her, runs into her randomly (or, rather, mistakenly since it turns out that a fate-controlling angel(?) fell asleep on the job), and, based on that feeling, spends the rest of the movie fighting fate itself to be with her.

What David Says

David battles the forces of destiny because he just KNOWS he’s meant to be with Elise. The fact that he doesn’t actually know her as a human being is irrelevant – the feeling is what matters.

Back Up And Tell It Right

While I am, of course, aware that this movie is a romantic fantasy, it’s a nice example of a real-world romantic fantasy that can get in the way of actual romance: the romantic fantasy of just knowing, with absolute certainty, that the person you’re with is “the one” – and, because you already “know” this, you don’t really have to do any work to get the whole thing started since it’s destined to happen and just be awesome.

The problem is that people end up equating the lack of KNOWING with the lack of romantic potential. Remember, the entire issue in the early stages of dating is that you DON’T know – you don’t know if they’re into you or if you’re even that into them or what they’re really like or if you can trust them or if they’re going to hurt you or if your time investment is going to pay off or a host of other uncertainties. So here’s the deal: the absence of romantic fantasy – your heart not going pit-a-pat, you being unsure and only partly into it, getting bored sometimes, etc. – isn’t a reason to stop. Invest in the reality of two strangers working to get to know each other rather than searching for signs that a higher power jotted something down in a book.

I’m not saying it won’t work out for David and Elise, but, really, hang onto that hat…

The Duchess Of MalMouthie

Back Up And Tell It Right, Finding Sarah, TV 1 Response »

Jul 062011

On the episode “My Fall From Grace,” I noticed Fergie (Duchess not pop star) continuously did this one thing that, IMHO, is going to keep her stuck in her groove unless she changes it.

The Setup

Despite her family’s money, Fergie had it pretty rough growing up. Her mom abandoned her at 12 to run off with an Argentinian polo player, and, like many children who went through similar things (albeit with fewer ponies), she blamed herself for her mother’s abandonment, thinking it must have been something she did. She still carries that self-loathing with her and is going on an Oprah-fueled reality TV journey – meaning visiting people like Dr. Phil, Suze Orman, etc. – on a quest for her self-worth.

What Fergie Says

Fergie talks about herself in negative terms all day long, right, left, and center. Throughout the episode, she refers to herself variously as “flawed,” “worthless,” “unloveable,” and self-sabotaging. In fact, unless I missed it, there wasn’t a single moment in the episodes where she presented herself as being anything other than hopeless and lost.

Back Up And Tell It Right

Words matter. Negative words, over time, become an unexamined shorthand that only serve to keep us stuck in our self-loathing stories. The simple-to-say/hard-to-do act of changing those words, of stopping ourselves in real time and re-editing our self-descriptions, can literally change the way we think about ourselves. In Fergie’s case, I would suggest that, for every negative word, she force herself to stop and recharacterize her self-description as a positive, e.g. go from “flawed” to “whole but working on believing in myself,” “worthless” and “unloveable” to “was a better mother to my children than my mother was to me so broke a potential abandonment cycle – thus I’m strong and loving” etc.

If you really want self-worth, Fergie, start by changing those words…

Oh, Tatum…

Back Up And Tell It Right, Ryan and Tatum: The O'Neals, TV 1 Response »

Jul 022011

On the episode “A Home Coming,” Tatum really struggles with a key first step in rebuilding broken relationships.

The Setup

Tatum is returning home to LA to try to mend her relationship with her father, Ryan, which has been busted since he abandoned her for Farrah Fawcett when she was 16. The day before she arrives, she gets a call from her son, Sean, saying he and Ryan got into a fight in Ryan’s car and that Ryan tossed him out and left him by the side of the road.

What Tatum Says

Tatum is now freaked out about meeting up with her father for the first time in years and isn’t sure if she wants him to come to her birthday party that night. She says his out-of-control temper is exactly why she ended the relationship with her father, that he hasn’t changed a bit, that everything is exactly the same, and that she has a bleak view on their prospects for rebuilding their relationship.

Back Up And Tell It Right

Tatum is making a key, incorrect assumption that many people make when rebuilding broken relationships and which often becomes the excuse to halt the rebuilding process: that anything SHOULD be different. It’s important to enter these things knowing that, yes, the relationship is going to pick up in the exact same horrible spot it left off; no, no one is going seem different because you are viewing each other through the lens of past pain; yes, the personality characteristics that scared you or drove you nuts when you ended the relationship will have the same effect on you now. The key difference is what you’re planning to do with all of it.

In Tatum’s case, a good place for her to have started would’ve been with an assumption that of course her father still has a temper and that she’ll be triggered by old abandonment/fear issues, etc. – but that that’s all okay. The question she might have wanted to ask herself is: assuming not a single thing about Ryan has changed, what, if any, sort of relationship do I want with him and what do I need to do to keep true to who I am regardless of what he’s doing?

I’m keeping the faith, Tatum…

You You You!!!

Back Up And Tell It Right, Congress, Redacting the News No Responses »

Jun 262011

The following article appeared in The New York Times a few days ago (well, at least this is how I read it (for the original quotes, click the *)):

Budget Talks Near Collapse as G.O.P. Leader Quits
By CARL HULSE (then redacted by Matt Prager) / Published: June 23, 2011 by The New York Times

WASHINGTON — Congressional Republicans on Thursday abandoned budget talks aimed at clearing the way for a federal debt limit increase… The breakdown was set off by the surprise decision of Representative Eric Cantor of Virginia… to quit the negotiations.

…Mr. Cantor insulted a few people then said in a statement. “There is not support in the House for a tax increase, and I don’t believe now is the time to raise taxes in light of our current economic situation. Regardless of the progress that has been made, I’m now going to say something demanding.” *

“As it stands, the Democrats continue to insist that any deal must include tax increases,” Mr. Cantor said in a statement. “There is not support in the House for a tax increase, and I don’t believe now is the time to raise taxes in light of our current economic situation. Regardless of the progress that has been made, the tax issue must be resolved before discussions can continue.”

Senator Jon Kyl of Arizona… and Senator Mitch McConnell of Kentucky made a joint statement in which they put words in someone else’s mouth, attempted to trap that person between two black and white choices that they had created, told that person how to behave, and then stated, “But we are now requiring that third party to meet our needs.” *

“President Obama needs to decide between his goal of higher taxes, or a bipartisan plan to address our deficit,” Mr. McConnell and Mr. Kyl said in a joint statement. “He can’t have both. But we need to hear from him.”

…Senator Harry Reid, the Nevada Democrat and Senate majority leader, also said he expected that the talks would resume at a higher level, though he provided no timetable. Mr. Reid then spent some time blaming other people for the situation. *

“With what Kyl and Cantor’s done, I think it’s in the hands of the speaker and the president and, sadly, probably me,” he told reporters.

…Speaker John A. Boehner told reporters several insulting things about other people and then went on to attribute a negative intention to someone else’s behavior. *

“I know the frustration that he feels when Democrat members continue to want to bring tax hikes into this conversation, and insist that we’ve got to raise taxes on the American people,” Mr. Boehner told reporters.

(And that was about the worst of it through to the end)…

Back Up And Tell It Right

One trick we use in conflicts is to talk about others instead of ourselves. If you find yourself starting sentences with “You’re the one who!!!” and “You always!!” then you are on the road to inflaming conflict rather than resolving it. It can be really difficult to only refer to yourself, your experiences, and your beliefs when having a disagreement with someone, but, in conflict, it often doesn’t matter what you’re saying but rather how you’re saying it. As the redacted article above shows, removing the insults, accusations, and discussion of other people (or at least neutralizing those things) helps keep tempers cool, which is the first step to ensuring that differences get resolved.

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